ST. ANDREW THE APOSTLE

JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU

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Last week when I wrote something for this column, I was hopeful and I was positive and I was saying that I could feel God’s presence in all of this. When Deacon Tim and I were talking over the weekend and he asked me about writing again, I told him I didn’t know that I could be very positive because I just wasn’t in a positive place right now. I can still feel God’s presence in this and I know that He is there and that this is all following the plan, but I am just not feeling hopeful this week. I try to go to church every day just to pray. If I am there alone, I play my
music which is always a form of prayer for me. This week, I yelled at God. I did. I am not proud of it but I did it. I just asked Him what he wanted. What are you doing? Please end this! And then I cried. For quite a few minutes, I cried. A priest told me it was okay to be angry with God. I cried because I am scared and because I am alone. I cried because I knew that I had just offended the one person that can help me to get through this. I cried for all of those that are dying alone with no one to sit next to them and hold their hand. I cried for the wife that couldn’t
share those last moments with her husband. And I cried for those who are without jobs and don’t know where they can go to get their next meal for their kids. And for all of those who feel so, so alone in all of this.

A priest told me it was okay and that God can take it. I know He can take it but He doesn’t deserve it. I sat and looked at the crucifix and felt so guilty for complaining that I couldn’t go out to dinner or couldn’t see my family. I sit in my house and have food on my table and my kids and grandkids reach out to me every day via phone or FaceTime. I have a warm bed and a steady income. But I am still alone but yet so very blessed. And as I looked at the cross and a song played on my phone, I realized how alone He must have felt hanging on that cross.

The mood has definitely changed this week. I know to trust in God but I also know that a part of me needs to know that this will be over soon. And that there will be baseball and soccer and swimming pools. And that I can come back to church and take the Eucharist into my body and soul again and feel that bond. Feel that surge that surges when I receive communion. And have the goosebumps when Father holds that host up just as Jesus did nearly 2,000 years ago when he said “This is my body,” and hear the bells make that proclamation.

Jesus, I trust in you. I know it may not sound like it, but I do. I know you love me and are with me. I know that you will take care of us. I just don’t understand it right now, Lord. I don’t understand taking that many lives. I don’t
understand the pain and the suffering. Please God, help me. Help your people. We are hurting too.

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Judy Hoffman

St. Andrew Parishioner